More Jokes

S

Sheba

Member
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have
mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any
cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
 
S

Sheba

Member
Newfie Mirror!

After living around the bay in Newfoundland all his life, an old Newf decided it was time to visit the big city of St. Johns. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked,

"How about that"! Here's a picture of me father."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left for work, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
 
S

Sheba

Member
Slow Talker

These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking
very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
 
S

Sheba

Member
New ATM Instructions.....

An English bank recently installed a series of drive-through ATM machines that allow customers to draw money without leaving the safety of their vehicles. In order to avoid any confusion, the bank posted instructions to all of its clients so that when they make use of these new, convenient ATM facilities, they will know exactly what to do. For ease of reference, the instructions were split between male and female customers.




PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.


PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse a bit to align car window with cash machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto
Passenger seat to locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash
machine due to its excessive distance from car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written
on the inside back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Check make up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place
cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check make up.
20. Drive forward two meters
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place
card inside.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.
26. Release hand brake.
 
K

Karnac

Member
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you wish for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get for you." His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." His father bought him the Democratic Party.

And so I offend everyone.....

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you wish for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get for you." His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." His father bought him the Republican Party.

:scatter:

:smokin:
 
S

Sheba

Member
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter
requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received
the letter to God, they decided to send it to the Prime
Minister.. Paul Martin was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
>
The P.M. thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill
and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa.........and
those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
 
K

Karnac

Member
Sheba said:
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter
requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received
the letter to God, they decided to send it to the Prime
Minister.. Paul Martin was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
>
The P.M. thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill
and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa.........and
those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :agree2:
 
S

Sheba

Member
The Definition of Courage ...

True courage is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,

And still having the guts to ask

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


Sheba..:dog:
 
P

peter

Member
Sheba said:
The Definition of Courage ...

True courage is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,

And still having the guts to ask

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


Sheba..:dog:
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol: I would be careful where she puts the broom:lol:
 
Brad

Brad

Member
Courage ... or death wish??

Another pearl from the lotto-comic :agree2:



have you seen the new play ... For Whom the Broom Tolls? :eek:
 
P

peter

Member
Re: Courage ... or death wish??

Brad said:
Another pearl from the lotto-comic :agree2:



have you seen the new play ... For Whom the Broom Tolls? :eek:
Click to expand...
There's nothing like a swiffer up the wiffer.:lol:
 
Brad

Brad

Member
The guide to wife translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
 
Brad

Brad

Member
How cheap is that??

Flying in the plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling became real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars."

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back to the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during
one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby
was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti"
on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.
 
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