More Jokes

[Sheba]

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NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A WOMAN

here was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of
his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to
take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on
my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"


"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."


Sheba...

 

[Irvin]

Hope she didnt make the cheque out for "CASH" Some lucky bugger at the funeral parlour is about to strike it rich

 

[peter]

A gorgeous blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains and shows her many kinds of different fabrics and patterns. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He exclaims, "15 inches? What room are they for?" The blonde says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blonde says, "HELLooooooo... I've got windows!"

 

[tomtom]

A gorgeous blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains and shows her many kinds of different fabrics and patterns. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He exclaims, "15 inches? What room are they for?" The blonde says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blonde says, "HELLooooooo... I've got windows!"

So, what's happened after she found she actually had a 17 inch monitor

 

[peter]

So, what's happened after she found she actually had a 17 inch monitor

Geez!!! she goes back and asks the salesman to give her 2 more inches

 

[tomtom]

Geez!!! she goes back and asks the salesman to give her 2 more inches

Hope she asked for the Windows XP this time

 

[peter]

Now that was pretty lame.

 

[tomtom]

Now that was pretty lame.

 

[Sheba]

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?







Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story?



The moral is...


If you don't let a woman have her own way...



Things are going to get ugly.

 

[Sheba]

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

 

[Maggie]

not really a joke, but...

Spotting fake Canadians
Dear Patriot;

As Canadians, we have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as Canadian, make the following statement and carefully note the reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and got a mickey of CC at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, eh? Darn chinook had melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was SOL, sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a touque at the time, eh? And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "**** disturber" and what not. What could I say except, "Sorry, EH?"


If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once!!!

 

[Dennis Bassboss]

Hum...maybe that Cleopatra is Canadian after all...

 

[cleopatra]

Lol Maggie. That was a good joke.

 

[peter]

Ya see Cleo, the one thing we canucks have, is we can laugh at ourselves.

 

[Maggie]

Why are men more happier? Here's why!

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (one black pair two sports
pair)

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

 

[Brad]

How true!! We's happy!!

Actually, I can do with a lot less ... a canoe, backpack, fishing gear and the occasional trip back to near-civilization for another six-pack.



... now if they could only perfect instant beer I'd stay in the bush lot longer

 

[peter]

Why are men more happier? Here's why!

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (one black pair two sports
pair)

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Maggie,It sounds as if we are neighbors, this describes me, and probably most males to a "T"

 

[peter]

Re: How true!! We's happy!!

Actually, I can do with a lot less ... a canoe, backpack, fishing gear and the occasional trip back to near-civilization for another six-pack.



... now if they could only perfect instant beer I'd stay in the bush lot longer

Brad, if you packed enough beer in the first place, you would never be in this predictament, trust me on this, it only happens once, then you learn.

 

[Irvin]

I can do all my xmas shopping in 10 minutes. Just leave it to the last day late afternoon and then buy 40 of the same cards, wrapping and presents.

 

[johnph77]

A beach bum is walking on a SOuthern California beach one morning when he happens on a brass lamp that has washed ashore. On an impulse he rubs it and - up pops a genie. The genie says "Oh, thank you, master, for releasing me from my bondage inside the lamp. For this I shall grant you one wish."

The beach bum thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly and I get seasick very easily. So I wish you'd build me a highway from here to Hawaii."

The genie says incredulously, "Are you crazy? Can you imagine all the trillions of tons of steel and concrete I'd have to use? Man, you gotta wish for something easier than that!"

The beach bum ponders this, then says, "OK. I wish you'd tell me how a woman's mind works."

The genie looks back at him and says, "You want that road two lanes or four?"