But I will comment on Peter's "I am American" post.
I AM CANADIAN!
How's it going, eh?
I'm not particularly intelligent; that's why our grading standards are so low here.
I'm not particularly openminded; I loved it when that lady in Vancouver went on TV and said, "they should ship those Chinese back to where they came from".
I'm not particularly well-liked; that's why people flee from here to our hated neighbor to the South.
I brag about having stronger beer than Americans, but unfortunately the
facts say otherwise.
We can't handle beer. That's why Canadians consider 12 beers to be a "case." In the US, 12 beers make a 12-pack. 24 beers make a case.
I am not condescending or opinionated; I am trying to guide you stupid Americans so you can be just like us - leaders in the world in.....well, something, I'm sure. Give me a minute. Oh! Hockey. Yes, hockey. Every nation looks to us because of our influence in hockey.
When a crazed meth freak breaks into my house and is hacking my children to death with a machete, I ask him to sit down and discuss his anger. Why should I shoot him? I can always have more children, but if I took his life...well, it's the only one he has!
Winning isn't important. Really, it isn't. That's why we are proud when our Olympians come in 11th place in an event, and a country like Australia - who has barely 60% of our population, completely cleans our clock at the Olympics.
It's pronounced ABOOT, not ABOUT.
We sew Canadian flags on our bags so people will love us and rub our bags! It is NOT the Nazi arm band of the Great White North! People say that not since the Third Reich has red and white been so openly and often flaunted to announce national identity, but they are lying. We are so loved by everyone that Americans are flocking across the border to move here. Well maybe not, but....
Anyways, when people see our Canadian patches on our bags, they say "Wow! That guy's from Canada! I bet he owns a very high quality winter coat."
McDonald's is the most popular restaurant in Canada; we love our fine dining...even if it is an American restaurant.
Using toilet paper to wipe our rears is for those stupid Americans!
I'm not allowed to eat Hostess Fruit Pies and Red Bull soda, because they aren't allowed to be sold here because of the State-run healthcare." Ahh... Forfeiting our freedom of choice in exchange for free (taxed) healthcare. It's a good move!
I find Celine Dion REALLY, REALLY attractive and unannoying.
"I'm gonna quit the music business to devote my life to my geriatric cradle robber husband. Praise me for my strong values! Meanwhile, I'll be singing in Las Vegas: HOME OF CLASS!" (Two years later) "I'm BACK! BUY MY CD!!"
"Hi! I'm Avril Lavigne. Despite the fact that I'm basically a poor man's Britney Spears, I wear messy clothes and that makes me PUNK ROCK. Entertainment Weekly even said so, so it must be true. I'm so anti-establishment that I'm on the front covers of Teen People, Cosmo-Girl and YM! Power to the People... and DRINK PEPSI - it's refreshing! The writers down at corporate headquarters who write all of my music for me paint me as a rebel, so uhh.... GRRRR! I'm a Rebel! I hope this fame lasts, or I might have to stop being a complete ignoramus and go back and finish High School..... HEH! YEAH! AS IF! PFFT! (slaps her manager a high-five) Surely my fame and popularity will last until I'm old and grey, just like lots of other teen idols... whose names escape me right now. I totally don't see why people would call me a fake sellout. I mean, I know that I whored out my likeness to AOL Time Warner to make a character for The Sims Online for a few bucks, but big deal."
OUR CANADIAN DIET:
Us Canadians are even nationalistic about which country we will allow to destroy our livers. If Fosters is Australian for "Beer" then Labatt must be Canadian for "Assmilk." Newfies aren't smart enough to stay away from bingo halls, but they wisely avoid Canadian beer... Instead they drink SCREECH (cheap moonshine made in rum barrels). They take great pride in their beer too. It had better be good. You have to be pretty drunk to love Canada.
Back Bacon - Part of a pig, which, if it were found on a cow or chicken would be thrown away as scraps.
Doughnuts - There are more doughnut shops in Canada than there are houses in the US. In Windsor, they literally have two Tim Hortons on opposite sides of the road, facing each other. Their Canadian patrons can't run fast enough to cross the street on foot without fainting or having heart palpitations and their gas prices and weak dollar put restrictions on such a long trip in a car.
Poutine - This is a concoction (for lack of a better term) of French Fries, Thick Greasy Gravy, and Cheese. It resembles a mixture of morning sickness and something an 8th grader in a school cafeteria would be paid by his peers to eat. If you ordered a value meal at McDonalds and supersized it and filled the bag up to the rim with lard you could not touch the fat content of poutine. The popularity of this 'food' is why Canada approved socialized health care.
Kraft Dinner - This is the same as Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, but we changed the name - with good reason. Everything in Canada costs way more than it does in the US. In the US it's a side dish. In Canada it's DINNER.
Where else besides Canada could you find a town called "DILDO?" Dildo, Newfoundland, gets its name from its population of bored fishermen's wives. This haven for tourists boasts a gloomy sky, a Lion's Club, Hefford's Appliances, Darlene's Hair Care, and an outdoor swimming pool to cool off on those sweaty summer days when the temperature gets up to a sticky 50ºF/11ºC. Conveniently, for easy access, Dildo is located off SPREAD EAGLE BAY and perhaps more frighteningly, DILDO ARM.
WE have a province that ENFORCES THE USE OF THE FRENCH LANGUAGE. It is ILLEGAL to make billboards, product packaging, road signs and advertisements in English unless French is given greater predominance. In other words, These things must be either ONLY in French, or multilingual, with French being "markedly predominant" so that the "visual impact of French must be MUCH GREATER than that of the other language." Companies in Quebec must have a "predominantly French" name. Correspondence between employers and employees must always be in French. Fines are imposed of up to $7000.00 PER OFFENSE for noncompliance to any of these laws, enforced by "Language Police." While it's illegal to use English in Quebec for these things, by contrast, in the stupid USA, it is illegal to discriminate against anyone for using whatever language they wish. If you tried to pull this type of cultural discrimination in the US, the ACLU starts going to war with you. Stupid Americans.
We put homo milk in a bag!
We love the sport of curling. For those not familiar with this "sport," I'll give you a brief run-down. It's basically shuffleboard in slow-motion plus ice plus 2 people with what appear to be the type of mops used for linoleum floors sweeping frantically. Curling is an activity requiring a particularly high degree of physical agility or strength, and an affinity for sweeping a floor really quickly. This may partially explain why the Canadian Women's Olympic Curling Team looks like a bunch of housewives.
Our national sport is lacrosse. This is a "sport" which Canadians snagged off the native people. We gave this already existing activity a new prissy French name and pretend we invented it, even though its history spans back hundreds of years before Europeans ever came to North America. If you can imagine a bunch of guys running around in a field with butterfly nets, wearing oven mitts and bird cages on their heads, you have a pretty accurate picture.
Canadians are geography majors because we vacation in the US every year. We know where St. Louis is. It's those stupid Americans who don't know where sh*tshatipoopton, Manitoba is.
We burned down the White House during the War of 1812. Who cares if that happened 55 years before we became a country - and it was the British who did it?
We invented hockey...except we didn't.
We invented the Zamboni...except we didn't.
We invented basketball...except we didn't.
We invented baseball....except we didn't.
We invented lacrosse...well, actually we stole it from the natives.
We invented short wave radio...except we didn't.
We invented velcro...except we didn't.
We invented the telephone in 1874....except that Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland, then moved to England, and later lived in Canada for less than 1 year before moving to Boston - in 1871. So what if he was living in Boston for 3 whole years before the date that we claim he invented the telephone in Canada?
We invented Cable TV....except we didn't.
We invented/accomplished (insert thing that Canadians supposedly invented/accomplished). So what if the US has the highest number of Nobel Prize winners of any country in the world; 27 times the number of Nobel Prize winners from Canada?
The whole world loves Canada and hates the US! That's why the whole world, including Canada, imitates American pop culture, and the Yanks have more immigrants than any other country in the world. So what if the US is the 2nd most visited country in the world and someone immigrates to the US about every 30 seconds? We are the 9th most visited!
Americans don't have freedom of speech, but we do! So what if we have Quebecois French Language Enforcement, Canadian Content Laws, and we censor Conan O'Brien for ribbing our country?