June Jokes

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Sheba

Member
A man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."



"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

He replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The fellow then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter
 
M

mirage

Member
Sheba dear, what's the scoop here? I started up a thread titled "June Jokes" but it seems, along with my joke, to have disappeared. Now my joke may have been a really bad and boring joke but I'm just curious. :confused:
 
S

Sheba

Member
mirage said:
Sheba dear, what's the scoop here? I started up a thread titled "June Jokes" but it seems, along with my joke, to have disappeared. Now my joke may have been a really bad and boring joke but I'm just curious. :confused:
Click to expand...

Sometimes this happens. It has happend in the past. I don't think it has anything to do with you or your joke..

Post again..

Sheba..:dog:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Are you Katlick?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you.

We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it.

We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" " What do you think that means?"

"I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
the blonde, the trucker, and the circle...

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Clever or What..

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and nothing could dampen Debby's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride, EVER! A week later, Debby was horrified to learn that her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress.

She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused,
"Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress. I'll look like a million
bucks in it!" Debby told her mother, who graciously eplied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress. After all, it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Debby asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before!"

Now, what woman wouldn't like this story?! :D
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Tick Tock Tick Tock...

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away
her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love
again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
 
S

Sheba

Member
"My mother is such an alarmist!" complained the teenager.

"One cough and she thinks I have bronchitis.

A headache and she's sure it's a brain tumour.

One little lie and she thinks I'm destined for politics."

Sheba..:dog:
 
S

Sheba

Member
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."


--
Have a Good O
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Hot and Cold ......

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I make love to my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern." He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."
 
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Maggie

Maggie

Member
Thanks for the emails....

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important e-mails in the past year...

Because of all of you... I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like crap, but thank God I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me or kidnap me and sell me into the sex trade.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

When I go to parties, I am not overly friendly with anyone for fear that he or she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though that my new free cell phone never arrived, and come to think of it neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will sh*t on you today at 7:00 pm. ;)
 
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Brad

Brad

Member
Don't look up!!

Do not gaze upwards agape with amazement!! :dang:




Them s**t hawks have good aim ... and carry large volume projectiles :sick:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished ... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake, and a box of chocolates

You have no idea how bloody good I feel! You, too, can achieve inner peace, try it.
:)
 
S

Sheba

Member
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES: "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO & I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE"


THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


THE PILOT SAYS: "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS: " OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.
 
L

LottoMagicZ4941

Member
The Blond Farmer Who Wone the Lottery

An interview on TV featured an old farmer who won ten million in the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money. He kinda scratched his head and said,

"Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

Found on
http://www.lotto649.ws/showthread.php?s=&threadid=5440

Lotto
would have a URL here to a great bis opp if it were permitted
MagicZ4941A
 
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