June Jokes

[Sheba]

>Smitty left Newfoundland and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The following day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but
I have some bad news... the donkey died last night."

"Well, den" said Smitty, "Jus' give my money back, yeah."

"I can't do that sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"I'm gon' to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Newfie!"

"Well dats where you wrong. You wait you an' you learn how smart we
Newfie's are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Newfie and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Sheba..

 

[Maggie]

Picture on the Nightstand....

After a long night of making love, he notices a
photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he
inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who the heck is he, then!!!???" he
demands.

"That's ME before the surgery."

 

[Brad]

The Lottery Winner

Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His numbers had won the top prize in the lottery.

"Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick the numbers?"

"I saw dem in a dream. All da numbers. And for da last one six sevens danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and dat's all dhere was to it."

"But six times seven is 42 not 49!?"

"Hah?!" Kaplan says, " All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be de mathamatician!"

 

[Brad]

Another Lotto Winner

Did you hear about the man who won $20,000,000 in the Polish Lottery?


He gets $20 a year for a million years!!




no offense to my Polish friends

 

[veronica21]

Re: Another Lotto Winner

Did you hear about the man who won $20,000,000 in the Polish Lottery?


He gets $20 a year for a million years!!




no offense to my Polish friends [/QUOTE


BRAD, THAT'S FUNNY

 

[luckystrike]

Re: Picture on the Nightstand....

After a long night of making love, he notices a
photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he
inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who the heck is he, then!!!???" he
demands.

"That's ME before the surgery."

...

 

[Maggie]

A Texan in Toronto..

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

 

[johnph77]

Re: A Texan in Toronto..

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

And if someone ever tells you, "Rome wasn't built in a day!" you reply, "That's because I wasn't the foreman on that job!"

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

Wife Comes Home Early

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

He says, "Please,Please don't go....... you at least have to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your weakass story. And this had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, and can no longer fit into, the $150 Nike running shoes I bought you to exercise and wore only twice, and you now scuff and growl at. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me....then I showed her to the door.

She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

found on http://www.talkandmore.net/showthread.php?t=24312#post43335