Joke of the day

Brad

Brad

Member
wanna try a 3rd sheesh?

Noun: pixy 'piksee

>(folklore) fairy that is somewhat mischievous

>Creeping evergreen shrub having narrow overlapping leaves and early white star-shaped flowers; of the pine barrens of New Jersey and the Carolinas


guess I preffer pixie cuz fairy or Tinkerbell are not so politically correct these days, but hey if you like it that's all that matters :agree: ... and like Charles said earlier sprinkle some of that luck our way :wavey:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Too Funny

Came across this while waiting for summer to get here:

From a transcript of a radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10 Oct 1995, between a US Navy vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a large warship of the US Navy. DIVERT YOUR COURSE *NOW*."

Canadians: "We are a lighthouse. Your call."
 
P

peter

Member
Maggie, I see your new avator has wings.
I quess now you can ride a bike, and go swimming and all those things.:lol:
 
P

peter

Member
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is, Jim the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Got a chuckle out of this one..

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the Unemployment Office. When asked his occupation Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs". The Clerk looked up Panty Stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80.00 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the Clerk gave Mike 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour".

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter".
 
T

Teufellj

Member
RE: Diesel Fitter

That was a good one, Maggie, until I looked into my mirror this morning and saw some fat old goat stairing at me. Gads what a sight! :sick:


Teufellj...
 
M

mirage

Member
from newspaper classifieds

From the Classified sections of some city
newspapers:

- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

- Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

- For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

- Man, honest. Will take anything.

- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here
first.

- Christmas tag sale: Handmade gifts for the hard to
find person.

- Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink.

- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

- Wanted: Widower with school age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must
be capable of contributing to growth of family.

- And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Fashion Guidelines...for the over 40 crowd..

Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spot
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. In-line skates and a walker
11. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
 
F

Florie

Member
Thanks Mirage and Maggie for the funny jokes.:agree2: Will certainly start my day right while I read and enjoy sipping my freshly brewed coffee.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Gotta keep my sense of humor, Florie, have a daughter who is suffering from Bridezilla symptoms right now. Making me :dizzy:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Another good one...

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's sooooooooooo much cheaper ...

so I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
 
K

Karnac

Member
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'
 
K

Karnac

Member
One time there were three guys who got in a car accident and died. After a few moments,they all awoke at the gates of Heaven to find St.Peter standing there. St.Peter said "Answer the questions correctly and I'll admit you to Heaven." The first man steps up and is asked "Who is the first man God created?" The man answers "Adam." and is granted entrance. The second man steps up and is asked "Who is the first woman God created?" The man answers "Eve." And is allowed in. The third man steps up,thinking this will be easy. St.Peter asks him "What is the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The man thought for a good while about this. He was stumped and said "Gee,that's a hard one." "C'mon in," was the reply.
 
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