Joke of the day

[Maggie]

NOT for the faint of heart...

Colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

9. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

10. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

 

[Brad]

There's nothing that a man fears more than the snap of a latex glove from behind him .... ...


Then there was that old song about "Colon-Rectal-Surgeons working where the sun don't shine" ....

 

[peter]

There's nothing that a man fears more than the snap of a latex glove from behind him .... ...


Then there was that old song about "Colon-Rectal-Surgeons working where the sun don't shine" ....

I don't know, after about the 10th intern, I kinda enjoyed it.
On a more serious note, i was 2 days away from death, Guys get yourself checked out, there are worse things in life.

 

[peter]

I should have started a new thread for this , but oh well.
Guys think getting a rectal examine is such a big thing, I did!!!
How many assholes a day do you think the doctor see's? You think yours is special? I wish I would have gone sooner than later, but I'm one of the lucky ones
Believe me, when your lying on death's door, you won't care how many people poke and prod your ass, you won't even care if the don't use enough vaseline.
And if you think your a tough guy, and it won't happen to you, guess again!!!

 

[Beaker]

I should have started a new thread for this , but oh well.
Guys think getting a rectal examine is such a big thing, I did!!!
How many assholes a day do you think the doctor see's? You think yours is special? I wish I would have gone sooner than later, but I'm one of the lucky ones
Believe me, when your lying on death's door, you won't care how many people poke and prod your ass, you won't even care if the don't use enough vaseline.
And if you think your a tough guy, and it won't happen to you, guess again!!!

Peter,
is this a joke or are you speaking from experience?

 

[peter]

Peter,
is this a joke or are you speaking from experience?

No joke Beaker, 2 years ago, I was'nt felling well for some time, On a Tuesday night I was passing blood, Wed morning I saw the Doctor, He said I was to go straight to emergency, 6 hrs later I was operated on, The doctor told me I was loaded full of infection, and had I not gone in, seeing Thursday morning, might have been doubtful.

 

[Beaker]

No joke Beaker, 2 years ago, I was'nt felling well for some time, On a Tuesday night I was passing blood, Wed morning I saw the Doctor, He said I was to go straight to emergency, 6 hrs later I was operated on, The doctor told me I was loaded full of infection, and had I not gone in, seeing Thursday morning, might have been doubtful.

Sorry Peter, I haven't been following this thread - seems it is going from being funny to a more serious tone.

Agree with your advice. Glad to hear you went in quickly.

Prostate problems are the other BIG one to watch

 

[peter]

Sorry Peter, I haven't been following this thread - seems it is going from being funny to a more serious tone.

Agree with your advice. Glad to hear you went in quickly.

Prostate problems are the other BIG one to watch

Thats why I thought perhaps I should have started a new thread,
This one started out with the joke from Maggie, and the rubber glove comment from Brad, yes they were funny, but I was trying to rely a message of importance,
I don't know what it is about guys that think that getting a rectal exam is not for them, I was just trying to relay first hand that it could turn out to save your life.

 

[Maggie]

Glad that everything turned out ok for you, Peter.

 

[Brad]

Hey Pete,

you know me, I joke about almost anything. Had no way of knowing of your experience and am really glad you pulled thru ok.

I have been fortunate to have a GP who's insisted on regular checkups in that area and although a bit unnerving at first it's really no big deal anymore, just another part to inspect.

The last one was a bit different though since he asked if a student GP could observe the procedure and I said ok ... turned out it was a pretty young female doc! ... at that time I wished I had said no instead, but later I felt flattered that she'd wanna see my a... nevermind (true story).

Don't worry about starting another thread, we can handle it ... and you're right, it is an important topic that we should not be ashamed to discuss.

Remember, you're not OT and this is Anything Goes

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

Come Early and Bring Your Lunch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."

"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks."

"Remember, this is a friendly community."

 

[peter]

Top 10 Blonde Inventions
>
> 1. Water-proof towel
>
> 2. Solar powered flashlight
>
> 3. Submarine screen door
>
> 4. A book on how to read
>
> 5. Inflatable dart board
>
> 6. A dictionary index
>
> 7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
>
> 8. Powdered water
>
> 9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
>
> 10. Water-proof tea bag
>
>
>

 

[peter]

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast
> implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
> 2030,
> there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
> erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
>

 

[peter]

9 things I hate about everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

 

[peter]

Subject: 7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively! asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[Maggie]

Good stuff, Peter.

Especially liked the kindergarten teacher one/litle girl/God

 

[peter]

The mystery explained
> If you wonderd why.. this will explain it... Everyone seems to be
> wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's
> see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No
> baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate
> parties No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster,
> No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya. More
> than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?) Rags for clothes and towels for
> hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and
> there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No
> chocolate chip cookies. No Girl Scout cookies. No Christmas. You can't
> shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of
> donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy
> dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else.
> She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better
> disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I
> mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ?

 

[Karnac]

Attention Dieters...Excuses for overindulgence this Thanksgiving

1.If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7.Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8.Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9.Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10.Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

11. Foods eaten while watching a major event on television do not count. Major events include: Superbowl, Hockey Finals, Indy 500, Jerry Springer show.

12. Powerbars and other type energy bars make you thinner. In all my years of exercising (at least three times a year) I have only seen thin people eating energy bars. Ergo (therefore) they must make you thin.

13. Snickers is the same as an energy bar (see #12)

14. Tasting other people's food does not add to your calorie count.

15. Containers of food that list the number of servings as greater than one are lying. Every container includes one serving. Half gallon of ice cream, box of cereal, bottle of soda, bag of chips are all one serving.

 

[Karnac]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.” He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left.” The male statue asks the woman statue, “Would you like to do it again?” “Oh, yes let’s,” she replies! “But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you s***on its head.

 

[Karnac]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
“Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”