December Jokes

[Maggie]

Blackmail

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.

Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.

So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

 

[JoJo]

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he’d crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you’ve been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

 

[Brad]

A redneck chuckle ...

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...
I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . .
It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"



given the dismantling of Alberta's health care system, this might be a scenario not too far down the road!

 

[Maggie]

The following is the difference between guts and balls.

Guts- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

 

[Maggie]

Flu Prevention...

1. Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

2. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

3. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

4. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

5. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

6. Get plenty of rest.

7. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


OR ... You can take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs!


Soooo..

1. Walk to the liquor store = exercise.

2. Put a lime in your Corona = fruit.

3. Put some celery in your Bloody Mary = veggies.

4. Drink on the bar patio = fresh air.

5. Get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh = eliminate stress.

6. Pass out = rest!

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, any and all of the flu germs can't get you!!!!

 

[Maggie]

A man lies sprawled across three seats in a theater. When the
usher comes by and sees the man, he whispers to him,

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groans but doesn't budge.

The usher becomes impatient. "Sir," he says, "if you don't get up
from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groans, which infuriates the usher. He turns
and marches briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager return and stand over the man. Together the two of them try repeatedly to get him off the seats, but with no success. Finally, they call the
police.

The policeman looks the man over, then says,

"All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Joe," the man moans.

"Where ya from, Joe?" the cop asks.

"The balcony."

 

[johnph77]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself." He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

 

[mirage]

Canadian - Jean Chretien's Retirement

Subject: Jean Chretien's Retirement Party

For you non Canadians, Mr Jean Chretien, a French Canadian, is the past Prime Minsiter of Canada....

At a dinner thrown in her husband's honor, a man turned to Mrs. Chrétien and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, yet no one knew what to say next.

Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'Appiness'"

 

[Brad]

WARNING: THESE MAY OFFEND SOME, OK?

Newfies may be to Canada what Rednecks are to the Southern US, but until you've travelled frequently throughout Alberta, rednecks are not an isolated people. Weirdly enough, Ernest C. Manning's eugenics programs in the thirties seems to have missed a lot of "mental defectives".
Just kidding, but the next time you're stuck in a place called Dog Pound or Cereal, you can't avoid feeling like "Duelling Banjos" is going to be heard vaguely in the distance.
----------------------



Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life
and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example, Pete. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck.

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Haley Mac! This is incredible!"

The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don't Ya ?"




from the Great Thompson Hunt web site

 

[Maggie]

Two Boys....


Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little scared."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze".

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa!! Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!!!!”

 

[JoJo]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

 

[JoJo]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

 

[Maggie]

Christmas Party Email....


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on Dec 23rd starting at noon, in a private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m..

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The Damn Holiday Party.

Vegetarian people, I've had it with you a$$holes !!! We're going to keep the party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death",
as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your flipping salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feeling too, they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

 

[Maggie]

Surviving Germs...

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

 

[Brad]

Christmas and Lotto ...

This is just reminder to all when shopping for presents that their Visa card
is a very poor subsitute for a winning lotto ticket ...

 

[JoJo]

Ten Million Dollars

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed
to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new
wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other
men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

Diane,” he said, “the only reason you married me was because my grandfather
left me ten million dollars when he died"

"Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!"

 

[JoJo]

Dear Redneck Son;


I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley

said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.

Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but
the envelope was already sealed.

 

[Maggie]

The Perfect Man...

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his damn widow."

 

[Maggie]

This is just reminder to all when shopping for presents that their Visa card
is a very poor subsitute for a winning lotto ticket ...

No matter...I'll send you my wish list anyways!!

 

[Brad]

No way ... not this time

No matter...I'll send you my wish list anyways!!

Yeah, riiight ... I do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!! ........