December Jokes
- Thread starter Maggie
- Start date
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Maggie
Member
Elderly Lady....
A very proper elderly lady began planning a week's camping vacation for herself and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B. C." and wrote, "does your campground have it's own B. C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B. C"
He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church, since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:
Dear Madam: The B. C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.
The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
A very proper elderly lady began planning a week's camping vacation for herself and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B. C." and wrote, "does your campground have it's own B. C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B. C"
He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church, since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:
Dear Madam: The B. C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.
The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
JoJo
Member
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
(RATED "R" )
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
(RATED "R" )
JoJo
Member
A Ride Home
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But wheres his wheelchair?"
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But wheres his wheelchair?"
Out of the mouths of little children...
THE FOLLOWING COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN AND HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED, INCLUDING SPELLING.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
THE FOLLOWING COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN AND HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED, INCLUDING SPELLING.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Maggie
Member
Snow Blonde...
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..."
Then the power goes out..
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..."
Then the power goes out..
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Maggie
Member
A lotta bull...
A man takes his wife to the cattle stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says,"He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says,"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says,"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says,"Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
A man takes his wife to the cattle stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says,"He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:"This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says,"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says,"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says,"Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Brad
Member
Campaign Promises and More Promises
It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to gather support from the First Nations.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for all First Nations!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow more Casinos for the bands!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Canadians!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech the politician was touring the grounds and saw a large herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief
if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to gather support from the First Nations.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for all First Nations!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow more Casinos for the bands!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Canadians!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech the politician was touring the grounds and saw a large herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief
if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."