October Jokes ...

Brad

Member
Hmm ... musta been a gender-specific laptop

Even computers should know to never laugh about the man's size ...
joking about his driving woulda been much worse though :D


here are some other "Nevers" a.k.a. Words from the Wise


Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with. "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
-Tim Allen

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
-Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
-Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
-Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-Harry S. Truman

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn.
-Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
-G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping.
-Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. . . ..Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
-Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
-Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
-Winston Churchill


Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-Ruth Gordon

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-John Peers
 

Maggie

Member
Haloween Joke


A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a$$, and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 

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