October Jokes ...

Brad

Brad

Member
Heard this one yet?
------------------------


I'm Leaving You!


This letter is to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last few weeks helped me make my mind up, and when your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today that was the last straw!

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching a game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Whether you're cheating or whatever the case is, I'm gone!!

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving out West together!

Your EX-Wife
----------------

Dear Ex-Wife

Your letter has made my day!!!

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, but a good woman is not what you've been. I watch sports hoping to drown out your constant nagging. When I noticed your hair cut last week, first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" But my mother raised me to 'say nothing if you can't say something nice'.
When you cooked my fave meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep when you put on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I hoped it was a coincidence my brother had just borrowed fifty bucks from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work things out. So when I discovered that I had hit the Lotto for ten million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets for a trip around the world. When I got home you were gone ... I guess everything happens for a reason. Btw my lawyer said after seeing your letter you won't get a dime from me.

So take care, and I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.


P.S. don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother
was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
 
T

Teufellj

Member
BRAD ...

This one's a riot! Reminds me of a court decision...

" a guy is in court divorcing his spouse for infidelity..."

The judge rendered the verdict that the man was to receive custody of their four minor children. The wife was..."laughing and crying at the judge's decision; he got the kids and they weren't hisn.":lol:

Teufel ...:wavey:
 
M

mirage

Member
Surprise Earring

"Surprise Earring"

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
 
M

mirage

Member
Not that funny but worth a smile...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.? Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
L

luckystrike

Member
Brad said:
Heard this one yet?
------------------------


I'm Leaving You!


This letter is to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last few weeks helped me make my mind up, and when your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today that was the last straw!

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching a game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Whether you're cheating or whatever the case is, I'm gone!!

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving out West together!

Your EX-Wife
----------------

Dear Ex-Wife

Your letter has made my day!!!

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, but a good woman is not what you've been. I watch sports hoping to drown out your constant nagging. When I noticed your hair cut last week, first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" But my mother raised me to 'say nothing if you can't say something nice'.
When you cooked my fave meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep when you put on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I hoped it was a coincidence my brother had just borrowed fifty bucks from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work things out. So when I discovered that I had hit the Lotto for ten million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets for a trip around the world. When I got home you were gone ... I guess everything happens for a reason. Btw my lawyer said after seeing your letter you won't get a dime from me.

So take care, and I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.


P.S. don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother
was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Click to expand...


:lol: :lol: :laugh:
 
Brad

Brad

Member
Sure hope this hubby is a 6/49 winner too!!

THE GOLFER

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H- "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $2,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $90,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and..I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $750,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $720,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..." The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks .........
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
M

mikesluck

Member
The funniest part about it is his brother borrowed $50 bucks from him to buy lingerie for his wife, laugh. That's straight from an episode of Springer.
 
M

mirage

Member
Sex Therapist's Office

A Newfoundland couple, both well into their seventies, goes to a sex therapist's office.


The doctor says, "What can I do for you?"


The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye to them.


The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but he agrees.


This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problem, pays the doctor, then leaves.


Finally, after 5 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you something. Just what are you trying to find out?"


The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $98 and the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Blue Cross."
 
M

mirage

Member
Happy (Belated) Birthday

I'm sure you've all heard this one before but in case you haven't:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUM CAKE :birthday:

1 cup sugar
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
2 large eggs
lemon juice
2 liters rum
2 cups brown sugar
1 cup of butter
1 tsp. baking powder
2 cups walnuts

Before starting, sample rum to check the quality. Good, isn't it?
Now proceed.
Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large and fluffy bowl. Add one seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still all right. Try another cup. Open 2nd liter if necessary.
Add eggs, 2 cups dried fruit and heat until high. If druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry loose with a drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (really doesn't matter.) Sample rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar or whatever colour you can find.
Wix mell.
Grease oven. Turn cake pan 350 degrees. Pour mess in boven and ake.
Check rum again and go to bed. :party2: :xeyed:
 
JoJo

JoJo

Member
Donations

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"

The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.

"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"




:wavey:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Chicken Surprise



A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
 
JoJo

JoJo

Member
Password rejected

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in.

"P....E....N....I....S.."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****


:lol:
 
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