March Jokes

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Karnac

Member
A man with a toothache goes to the dentist. After examining the man, the dentist says,
"That tooth has to come out now, I'll give you a shot of novocaine."
"No way says the guy, I'm afraid of needles"....
"We'll have to use gas then"
"No way" says the guy, "It'll make me sick for days."
The dentist leaves the office and comes back with a pill and a glass of water,
"Here take this Viagra" says the dentist.
"Will that kill the pain?" asks the guy.
"No, said the dentist, "but it'll give you something to squeeze when I pull that tooth."
 
S

Sheba

Member
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
 
S

Sheba

Member
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A
Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which

read:
"To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived, Date: October 16, 2004. I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!"
 
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LottoMagicZ4941

Member
I found this in a thread called money on the runbords and later on forumgarden after I posted it:) so now it has two threads there.


A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.
 
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LottoMagicZ4941

Member
found on cycling forum

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
 
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LottoMagicZ4941

Member
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on
the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some
people
who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey
to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and
he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story:

If you try to please everyone, you might
as well kiss your ass good-bye.
found on http://www.clannandrumma.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=547
 
P

peter

Member
Dear Tide Company
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that
I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried
to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come
out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives
who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be
considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going
through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you,
once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have
to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
 
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