July Jokes

Maggie

Maggie

Member
Should you be institutionalized??

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.

This little test should get you started..........

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria which show that a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".

OK, here's your test.

1. Would you use the teaspoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

Think about this before you scroll down.

"Oh, I understand" said the visitor

A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".

"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug"!

Now, do you want a room with or without a view? :D
 
Brad

Brad

Member
"A good wife always knows her place" ... riiiiight

Aaaahhh ... them good ol'days :D

some really choice quotes in that there article, looks like someone used it as a guide for real and underlined/hi-lighted key points!! .... Maggie??? :eek:

I was half expecting a comment about it being ok to be shoeless and knocked-up!! :lol:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Ladies Bar..

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things...

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
A man goes to a bar after work one day. After several hours, he returns home and finds his wife already in bed.

He tries sneaking up the stairs as quietly as possible so as not to wake her, but loses his balance and falls right on his A** smashing the two beer bottles he had in his back pockets. His butt was cut up pretty badly, but because he was so drunk he didn't notice.

While going to the bathroom, he notices the blood and finally sees how badly his butt is cut and decided to fix himself up so his wife wouldn't find out.

The next morning, as he is laying in bed trying to come up with something believable to tell his wife she asks him why he got home so late.

The husband said he stopped for a couple of beers after work. His wife says "you were mighty drunk for only having a couple of beers".

The husband said "how do you know, you were asleep"

"Well, my first clue was there were bandaids all over the mirror!!"
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Up, up and up?

THE DEFINITION OF"............

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is UP.

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.......... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U-P
__________________
 
L

LottoMagicZ4941

Member
To get into heaven....
found on
http://www.christiansonline.cc/forum/showthread.php?t=1786
A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him he had to test people with the point system to enter heaven. If he got to 100 points he could enter.
The man told Peter that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points.
The man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point.
The man, desperately searching his memory, finally said that he never cussed. Peter added 1/2 a point.
By now the man got very frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in by the Grace of God. Peter replied, "Come on in!"
__________________
 
johnph77

johnph77

Member
The Top 5 Signs You're Not Cut Out for Parenthood


"It's all right, Honey, I washed her on the 'delicate' cycle!"

You really enjoy watching the birthing film -- backwards!

You're embarrassed to be seen with your 2-year-old daughter because those designer diapers make her @ss look fat.

Rather than shell out for toys, you told kids Santa intentionally flew the sleigh into a skyscraper.

Make a poo-poo... Do a shot!
 
johnph77

johnph77

Member
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:

There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few beers.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets to that point, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the bassists were loaded,
and the score was tied.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.

"Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do.
My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new
bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
 
Brad

Brad

Member
Lardy Har-Har!!

I bet he did look for a sports car for her but couldn't find one with a shoe-horn as an option!! :lol:
 
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