Jokes for December

[Maggie]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at
the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till
after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them,
from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to
drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the
world in one night and not get lost.

 

[Brad]

Ho Ho Ho .... drink eat and be Mary

>>> ... ONLY women would be able to
drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the
world in one night and not get lost.

Yeah but they need a man to steer them cuz they STILL don't know how to use a map!!



... and all the raindears are barehoofed, isn't that as it should be?? <---joke Maggie!! that was another joke!!

 

[Brad]

A BLONDE MALE JOKE .. FINALLY! <<snipped>> Sheba...

I'll hafta dye my hair now ... hope them blonde roots don't show

Thanks a lot Sheba!! ....

 

[Maggie]

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

3. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

4. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

5. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert?

6. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

7. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.


Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

[Maggie]

I'll hafta dye my hair now ... hope them blonde roots don't show

Thanks a lot Sheba!! ....

Ahem.....typo maybe??? You really meant to say silver, right?

 

[Brad]

Hmmm ....

Ahem.....typo maybe??? You really meant to say silver, right?

That's the way it goes, in our golden years our tops turn silver ... not profound enough to bronze this, just a fact of life

 

[Maggie]

Sent this out to a few people, but, it's too cute not to share:

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download
from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared
and said:

You've Got Male!

 

[Dennis Bassboss]

Sent this out to a few people, but, it's too cute not to share with the rest of ya:

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download
from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared
and said:

You've Got Male!

Nice one Maggie! I just can't stop laughing my dear friend!

 

[johnph77]

Cop pulls over a speeder.....

Cop: "I've been waiting for you!"

Speeder: "I got here as fast as I could....."

 

[Brad]

A journalist was assigned to the Middle East bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old man praying vigorously.

The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says, "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is taken by the old man's persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?" The old man nods. "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?" The old man becomes reflective and then replies, "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."

The amazed journalist finally asks, "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?" "How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall !!"

 

[Sheba]

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year,the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

 

[peter]

Four guys were sitting in a bar when one got up to go to the toilet. In his absence, the other three started to talk about their sons.

The first said: "Mine was a big worry to me. I really didn't think he was ever going to make anything of himself. But I'm happy to say he's doing OK now. He owns a car dealership and just bought his best mate a new car."

The second said: "Mine was hopeless at school. He had failure written all over him. But he's pulled through. I'm real proud of him. He owns a bank and just gave his best friend a 1 million dollar savings bond."

The third said: "My son was bad at school too, but I'm glad to say he's doing fine now. He owns a pet shop and just gave his best pal a puppy."

Just then the fourth guy returned from the toilet. "We were talking about our sons," said the others.

"Mine was a real headache," said the fourth guy. "He's gay, but he's turned out OK. And he sure is popular. Just recently one of his boyfriends gave him a new car, another gave him a 1 million dollar savings bond and another gave him a puppy."

 

[charles2]

what kinda car did he give you Peter


Just kidding .

 

[Florie]

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year,the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

This made my day ooops night. More like this, please!

 

[Sheba]

The little boy ask his father - Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS:

Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!!

 

[Florie]

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot
on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, what is his name?"
The guy answers, "His name is Chet, and I got him for Christmas."
"Does he talk?" asked the bartender.
The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The
guy lit a match and placed it under Chet's left foot. Then the parrot
started singing "Jingle Bells".
The guy then placed the match under Chet's right foot and the parrot
then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."
The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he
say when you place the flame between his feet?"
The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."
When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot, the parrot
began to sing with all his might... "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

 

[peter]

good one Florie!