Jokes for December
- Thread starter Sheba
- Start date
Maggie
Member
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Earl, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Earl, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Maggie
Member
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
Go ahead
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have
chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator.................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754....
....If you haven't, add 1753 ........
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .....
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many
times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are ............ YOUR AGE!
(Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2004) IT WILL EVER WORK.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
Go ahead
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have
chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator.................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754....
....If you haven't, add 1753 ........
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .....
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many
times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are ............ YOUR AGE!
(Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2004) IT WILL EVER WORK.
Dennis Bassboss
Member
Right on the money with me too...Maggie said:
102 year's old
Maggie
Member
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Maggie said:
Heh, that was nice…how about this one
A male driver is pulled over by a police officer.
Man: What's the problem, sir?
Officer: You were going more than 70 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going about 50 - 55.
Wife: Oh, John. You were going almost 80.
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man: Broken tail light? Which one? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh John, you've known about that light for weeks, and you said who cares about that.
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off after stopping here.
Wife: Oh John, don’t be such a liar, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth up, woman!
Officer: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, but he's probably drunk.
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Maggie said:I've heard that one before, tomtom, still a good one.
Well, the end might be also different
Continued:
Officer: Aha, what did you drink?
Man: Well, had a beer about 8 hours ago.
Woman: John, you had TWO beers.
Officer: (tearing the tickets) Huh, poor fella, you can go now …you are in so big troubles already.
Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long.
She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday".
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated. "Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
Sheba..
She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday".
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated. "Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
Sheba..
A BLONDE MALE JOKE .. FINALLY!
There were two blonde guys working for the town public works
department.
One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story?
You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up
again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.
Sheba...
There were two blonde guys working for the town public works
department.
One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story?
You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up
again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.
Sheba...