Joke of the day

F

Florie

Member
Found this joke.

Working together
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian,

"Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"
 
P

peter

Member
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by
> climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a
> blanket for them to jump into.
> The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to
> survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH!
> The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk
> like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the
> Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
> "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
> "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
> blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
> Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
> Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way!
> You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really!
> You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
> "Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that
> you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put
> the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
 
P

peter

Member
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The
> > >> doctor comes back and says Bob, I'm not going to beat around the
> > >>
> > >> bush. You have AIDS. Bob is devastated. Doc, what can I do? The
> > >>
> > >> doctor says I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
> > >>
> > >> sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
> > >>
> > >> sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
> > >>
> > >> Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice. Bob
> > >>asks, Will that cure me, Doc? The doc says, No, but it should leave
you
> > >>with a better understanding of what your ass is for.
> > >>
>
 
P

peter

Member
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
> classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their
> meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the
> discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the
> class
> for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: If my
> best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor
> runs
> over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
>
> "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
>
> A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
> over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
>
> "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would called a
> great loss."
>
> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
> room.
> "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
>
> Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
> voice
> he said: "If Air Force One carrying You and Mrs. Bush was struck by a
> "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
> tragedy."
>
> "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
> would be tragedy?"
>
> "Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy because it certainly
wouldn't
> be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
 
P

peter

Member
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted
> portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the
> country were coming to him for paintings.
>
> One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a
> stretch limo.
> She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was
> the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said
> money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
>
> Not wanting to get into trouble with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy
> Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and
> conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he
> returned and told the lady he was willing to do it..........
>
> ...... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would
> have some place to wipe his brushes.
>
 
P

peter

Member
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

............... He can't do either one"
 
P

peter

Member
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
> because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
>
> The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
> inside them is color coded."
> The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
> everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
> The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
> Those
> guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
> and
> when the job takes longer than you said it would."
>
> But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
> wrong.
> Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
> no
> balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
> interchangeable.
 
P

peter

Member
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
> out of the comer of his eye. It reads:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
>
> He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second
> thought. Soon, he sees another sign, which says:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
>
> Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
> Then he drives past a third sign saying:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
>
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
> side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to a
door
> reading:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
> long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
> possibly doing business."
> "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
>
> He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
> The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
> door."
>
> He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup,
> answers this door. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then
go
> through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
> He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
>
> He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
> behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the
> parking lot, facing another small sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
> SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
 
P

peter

Member
"THE RULES" from a man's viewpoint
> >
> > Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty
> > good.
> > We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are
> > the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...
> > these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
> >
> > 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
> > up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
> > complaining about you leaving it down.
> >
> > 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
> > tides. Let it be.
> >
> > 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
> > it that way.
> >
> > 1. Crying is blackmail.
> >
> > 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
> > hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
> > work! Just say it!
> >
> > 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
> > every question.
> >
> > 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
> > That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> >
> > 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
> >
> > 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> > In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
> >
> > 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
> > expect us to act like soap opera guys.
> >
> > 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
> >
> > 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one
> > of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
> >
> > 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
> > it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
> > yourself.
> >
> > 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> > commercials.
> >
> > 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
> >
> > 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
> > settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is
> > also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
> >
> > 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
> >
> > 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
> > nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
> > the hassle.
> >
> > 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
> > answer you don't want to hear.
> >
> > 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
> > fine. Really.
> >
> > 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
> > to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
> > trucks.
> >
> > 1. You have enough clothes.
> >
> > 1. You have too many shoes.
> >
> > 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
> >
> > 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep
> > on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind
> > that, it's like camping.
 
P

peter

Member
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted tospade his potato
>
> >garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to
>
> >help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
>
> >described his
>
> >predicament.
>
> >
>
> >Dear Bubba,
>
> >I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
>
> >plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
>
> >digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
>
> >be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
>
> >
>
> >Love Dad
>
> >
>
> >A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>
> >
>
> >Dear Dad,
>
> >For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I
>
> >buried
>
> >the BODIES.
>
> >
>
> >Love Bubba
>
> >
>
> >At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up
>
> >and
>
> >dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
>
> >to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
>
> >letter from his son.
>
> >
>
> >Dear Dad,
>
> >
>
> >Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do
>
> >under the circumstances.
>
> >
>
> >Love Bubba.
 
Brad

Brad

Member
Fine form t'day Pete

I esp. like the "THE RULES" from a man's viewpoint, am making and framing a copy :beer:



Hmmm ... a flying pixie ... got a licence for them wings Maggie?? :dizzy:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Maybe this will help you guys get it right:


The guide to wife translations:

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
That would be the second star to the right and straight through to morning. ( From Peter Pan ) :)

Venus, sheesh. :dizzy:
 
Brad

Brad

Member
Thanks Maggie, I feel enlightened ...

so you're not just whistlin' Pixie then! :D

just testing ... we all know Venus is not a star
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Sidebar

Top