Joke of the day

[Sheba]

Men Never Learn


Peter was about to become a millionaire.

Peter decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles'bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.


"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Peter met his father, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men never learn.


Sheba__ ~~~

 

[Sheba]

Sheba__ ~~~

 

[Brad]

Speaking of smart women ...

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

 

[Brad]

One more? OK ...

Blonde and Her Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her
all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like
your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How'd you know I was at Wal-mart?"

 

[Karnac]

Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.

"Sure.", said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

A little boy asks God. Is it true that to you a thousand years is like a second.

God replied, "Why Yes"

Then the boy said is it true that to you a million dollars is like a penny.

God replied, "Why Yes"

Then the boy said can I win the lotto?

[Ok original was can I have a million dollar but I wanted to lotto it up] Anyway,

God replied, "In a second"

 

[LT]

that's a good one LM

 

[Beaker]

A little boy asks God. Is it true that to you a thousand years is like a second.

God replied, "Why Yes"

Then the boy said is it true that to you a million dollars is like a penny.

God replied, "Why Yes"

Then the boy said can I win the lotto?

[Ok original was can I have a million dollar but I wanted to lotto it up] Anyway,

God replied, "In a second"

God's right - July 2nd

 

[Brad]

this could have been a blonde joke too

Trying to explain to a 5 yr old daughter how much computers have changed, the father pointed to a brand new PC and told her when he was at university, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, the girl asked,
"Wow! How big was the mouse?!"

 

[Sheba]

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers, then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, what did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all Men are Men.



Sheba..

 

[Brad]

Good one Sheba, that was a 'quick-witted' blonde ... here's another

A blonde was invited out for a night with "the girls". Told her husband that she'd be home by midnight...."I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since she was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.

The next morning the husband asked what time she got in, she told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When asked why he replied, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

 

[Maggie]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

[Maggie]

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.

The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating
near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard then
float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house
then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the! best of her so she asked
Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the
house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I
tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."

 

[charles2]

cut the grass

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

yea I need to cut the grass But first I'll post another joke.

From Tidbits

One summer evening, during a thunderstorm a mother was tucking her sone into bed.

"Can you sleep in here?" the youngster asked.

"No," said the mother, "I have to sleep with daddy."

"Hmmmph!" said the boy. "The Big Sissy!"

 

[peter]

Two newfies were drinking beer while driving, up the road they spot a check spot.
So they pull over, finish the beer, peel the labels off and stick them on their head,and throw the empties in the trunk.
Officer comes over, and asks the two newfies if they have been drinking.
They both reply , no sir we are on the patch. I was inspired by Brad and Daleks to post this.

 

[Brad]

How's about a pop drinking blondie ....

A blonde is standing in front of a soft drink machine outside of a local grocery store.

After putting in a loonie, a root beer pops out of the machine. She sets it on the ground, puts another dollar into the machine, and pushes another button; a coke comes out.

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient.

"Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

 

[Sheba]

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park,grabbed a little boy, took him behind a
Tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak Tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A. M.

Signed, The Blonde


She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to
Go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.


Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I
Cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!



Sheba..

 

[Maggie]

Good one, Sheba

 

[Florie]

Found this one just now so I'm sharing this.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a
typical Irish manner, completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Bejabers," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"