January Jokes....

[Maggie]

Head of the HOUSEHOLD...

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family.

Of all of you only one obeyed." "Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

[Brad]

Was it the same wife that did this earlier??

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

 

[Brad]

one more wifey gag ...

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
"What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady passed between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother!!"

 

[Maggie]

Yep, and here she is again....

Once upon a time in their marriage, the husband did something really stupid. The wife chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, the wife mentions what he had done. "Honey," the husband finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

 

[JoJo]

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?

 

[JoJo]

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came
in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore
completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she
remarked:
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their
arms."

 

[Maggie]

MARRIAGE ADVICE BY KIDS....


(As answered by elementary school students)

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

 

[Maggie]

All night long...


The coaches from St. Landry Louisiana parish went to a coaches retreat and to save money, they had to room two to a room. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snored. They decided to be fair, they'd take turns so each of them only had to share a room with him one night.

Coach Fontenot shared a room with him the first night. The next morning he goes to breakfast with his hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. The other two ask, "Man, was it that bad?"
He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night was Guidry's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say,
"Man, it must have been bad, you look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Boudreaux shook the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Coach Doucet's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. He said,
"Good morning."

Fontenot and Guidry can't believe it,
"Man, what happened?"

"Well, we got ready for bed, I went over, tucked Boudreaux into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

 

[Maggie]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[Maggie]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed
to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means
four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore
breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

[Maggie]

Home Remedies



1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.