February Jokes

[Sheba]

JUSTIFIED MANSLAUGHTER

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92 if he
could have sex...he could fly."

 

[Sheba]

Liberal Deep Thinkers

While visiting England recently, Prime Minister Paul Martin is invited to have tea with the Queen.

Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her what her leadership philosophy is.

She responds that it is to surround herself with the most intelligent people she can find and let them do their jobs.

Intrigued with this novel theory, Martin asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.

"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair.

"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me.

"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.

"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Tony Blair hesitates momentarily and then confidently replies "Well, Your Majesty, I guess it would have to be me."

"Correct" says the Queen. "Thank you and good day to you Sir." The Queen hangs up and says "Did you hear that Mr.. Martin? See how clever he is."

Impressed, Martin replies "I certainly did. I'll definitely be using that one when I conduct my next Cabinet shuffle back in Canada."

Upon returning to Ottawa, Martin decides he'd better put some of his senior Cabinet Ministers to the test.

He summons John Efford, Minister of Natural Resources to his office and says, " Minister, I wonder if you could answer a question for me?"

"Why of course Sir" Efford responds eagerly, impressed that the Prime Minister was actually seeking his input on something.

"Well, uh, let's say your mother has a child and your father too has a child. This child is not your brother and also is not your sister. Who is it?"

Somewhat surprised at this odd question, Efford hems and haws and finally asks if he can have some time to think about it.

"Certainly," responds Martin.

Efford immediately calls a meeting of other senior Liberals and they puzzle over the question for several hours. Totally baffled, they decide to conduct some research and contact a loyal Quebec consulting firm.

A budget of $10 million is provided and intensive research is carried out over the next two weeks. Unfortunately, the consultants are unable to come up with an answer. Desperate to impress his boss, Efford decides to take a chance and calls Newfoundlands Minister of Finance,Loyola Sullivan, who just happened to be in his office in the Confederation Building.

"Loyola," I realize you and I have had many disagreements but that aside I was wondering if you could help me with a big problem. I will certainly make it worth your while. I can guarantee that Newfoundland can get at least a couple of hundred million in government spending over the next year."

Sullivan is naturally sceptical about Liberal promises, but in the spirit of political co-operation he agrees to do what he can to help out.

"O.K., here goes" says Efford. "Your mother has a child and your father has a child. The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?

Without hesitating, Sullivan responds "It would be me, of course."

Impressed at his fellow Newfoundlanders quick response, Efford quickly brushes off Sullivan and rushes to the Prime Minister's office.

"I know the answer to your question Sir!! I know who the child is!!"

Martin, who was privately becoming a bit concerned at the delay in hearing back from Efford, is delighted.

"Who is it John?" he asks.

With obvious pride, Efford replies "Its Loyola Sullivan, Sir - its Loyola Sullivan!!"

Stunned, Martin shouts in disgust, "Wrong you idiot - its Tony Blair!!"

 

[Florie]

Thanks for the jokes, Sheba. Keep 'em coming.

 

[Sheba]

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
>
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

[mon]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's
>mini van and headed north.>
>
>After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So
>they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered
>the door if they could spend the night.
>"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all
>to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
>neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
>"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the
>weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
>Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
>enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.>
>But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
>attorney.
>It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
>good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
>"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
>"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out ."I have to admit that I did."
>"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
>Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
>"She just died and left me everything."
>(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
>
>Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

 

[peter]

Real Alberta Cowboy
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
> >>>> The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing
> >>>>is struck by lightning.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
front
> >>>>of
> >>>>the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well,
if
> >>>>I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
> >>>> peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the
> >>>> front
> >>>>of the plane.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Then a cowboy named Doug from Edmonton Alberta stands up in the rear
of
> >>>>the plane. He is handsome: well built, with light hair and powerful
> >>>>blue
> >>>>eyes.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One
> >>>> button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles
> >>>> ripple across his chest. She gasps......
> >>>>
> >>>> He whispers . "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

Men & anniversaries LOL

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?** * A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily...."Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'". "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says..."I would have gotten out today."
found on Forumgarden
______________
Lotto
MagicZ4941A

 

[Maggie]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

 

[Maggie]

Someone just sent me this:

On a recent Spurs trip, we were asking one of our sponsors who
works at
Jack in the Box some funny
stories or experiences with the company. The funniest story he
had was
when an operations manager was late for a meeting and called
his boss to
tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail
message,
he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play"
of the
incident.
After telling us the story, he promised to send us a copy of
the voice
mail and here it is. This is the
actual voice mail message. It was passed along and forwarded
so many
times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail
server.



funnyvoicemail

 

[peter]

Now I lay me Down to sleep, I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags, And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray, And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

 

[Maggie]

Well, do you look any different this morning??

 

[Maggie]

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me.

 

[Sheba]

Cute!

>
This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
>
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
>
> Do you know him?"
>
> "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
>
> "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Sheba..

 

[Sheba]

Should children witness child birth?



Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again


Sheba..dog:

 

[charles2]

"A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "PENIS". Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.

She almost died laughing at the computer's response:

"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."
"

 

[Sheba]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are
you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!!? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm
too young." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog
or a hen. You can choose on your own"

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow

........ then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing
up."


"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.

Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.

And you better believe that there was yet another egg on theground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up, ..... you're ****tin' all
over the bed!"

 

[mirage]

Subject: How Did You Break Your Arm ?

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor
of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with
the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind
of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that
she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry,
that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in
the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was
wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you
know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.
With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her
husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that
since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in
the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,
“The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So
she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and
proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there
is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most
embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found
herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...
somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her
derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down
around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an
unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to
pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting
an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They
transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room,
a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next
to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making
small talk.
"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was
riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes!
There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control,
down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her
pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift."
"So, he asked, "how'd you break your arm?" --