November Jokes

[Maggie]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"

 

[JoJo]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"

MAGGIE,

Good one.

-

 

[JoJo]

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[Phoenix97]

Probably the worst puns known to man...

Have you heard about the farmer who ran his tractor in the wrong direction?
He went against the grain!

Have you heard of the dentist who played in the orchestra?
He played a tuba toothpaste!

What is one of Canada's more "vehicular" cities?
Van-couver!

What type of donut did the senior pilot order at Tim Horton's?
An old-fashioned plain!

 

[Maggie]

I Don't Think So...

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the light now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," then the wife asks, " could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "fix the fridge door?" "Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a !&=! carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." He says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours................................... . he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "hellooooo....do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? i don't think so!"

 

[JoJo]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

 

[Maggie]

The talking parrots...


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time. "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

[ladiluck]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.


"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"

and I suppose tomorrow will be the burial???

I wonder where????

 

[Maggie]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "it's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh*ts the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 

[JoJo]

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"