November Jokes

[Maggie]

And God Made Man....

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,
and you know, I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see.... where did I put that useless boob?"...

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

 

[JoJo]

20 Years With My Wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

 

[JoJo]

Blind Dog Joke

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.

 

[JoJo]

How The Rich Stay Rich

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

 

[Maggie]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating
the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know.
But it sure made a hole in Juan."


alright, alright, enough with the groans already

 

[JoJo]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating
the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know.
But it sure made a hole in Juan."


alright, alright, enough with the groans already

 

[JoJo]

Blonde guy
Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies? He had to.... his wife kept getting pregnant

 

[Maggie]

High Tech Hillbilly


Sitting naked in a sauna, suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she
decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman said, "Well, will you look at that? I'm gettin' a
fax.

 

[Maggie]

Memories And Good Fortune.......

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totalled fifty thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday....."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"

 

[Maggie]

This one is for all who:

a) have a kid;
b) had a kid;
c) plan to have a kid;
d) was a kid;
e) know a kid.

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Had to laugh when I read that one, it reminded me of a time long ago when my oldest was about 4 and each week we took the bus to the market downtown. On the way there one day, she started to pick her nose, I leaned over and whispered to her to stop doing that. Then as loud as loud can be for the whole bus to hear, she says, "BUT I WANNA PICK MY NOSE" I could have crawled under my seat just then.

 

[mirage]

This one is for all who:

a) have a kid;
b) had a kid;
c) plan to have a kid;
d) was a kid;
e) know a kid.

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Had to laugh when I read that one, it reminded me of a time long ago when my oldest was about 4 and each week we took the bus to the market downtown. On the way there one day, she started to pick her nose, I leaned over and whispered to her to stop doing that. Then as loud as loud can be for the whole bus to hear, she says, "BUT I WANNA PICK MY NOSE" I could have crawled under my seat just then.

 

[JoJo]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

[JoJo]

Mother Nature

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

 

[Maggie]

Girls Night Out!



Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls' night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

Did you hear about the dog that wone the lotto?

He bought his owner a bone

 

[Maggie]

And the name is...

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he
realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want
a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to
the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.
All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm
sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name
of your willy.

Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan,
'Just
Do It.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so
the bartender tells him he will give him a second to
think it over.

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his
right who just happens to be drinking a fruity
Margarita and says,
"So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and
proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One."
"Then he adds, with a wink, "Have you driven a Ford
lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a
moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The
name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The
bartender begins to
pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A
MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

 

[Maggie]

Everything you always wanted to know re Canadian slang...(or not)



Canadian Slang Words

 

[Maggie]

And speaking of Canadian....how exciting is this??

Leafing through your morning newspaper and finding the Milk calendar!!

 

[JoJo]

And speaking of Canadian....how exciting is this??

Leafing through your morning newspaper and finding the Milk calendar!!

No calender with my newspaper just a Pair of 3 "D" GLASSES TO WATCH MEDIUM ON MONDAY NIGHT!!

 

[Maggie]

That's too bad, JoJo, cuz January's recipe looks positively yummylicious!!