March Jokes

[mirage]

Don't know if this one is old or new... Anyway, here it is:

The Farmer And His Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week. One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

 

[Brad]

... randy sows

 

[Brad]

NOT a blonde joke

DON'T MESS WITH SENIOR WOMEN

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem,Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Brad]

Medical advice?

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadian or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians or Americans.

>CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

 

[Maggie]

A Cure for Snoring?


A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

 

[Teufellj]

Sounds Like You Need....

Pickled pigsfeet and chocolate milk, anyone?


Teufellj ...

 

[Maggie]

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says "Last night I made love to my wife three times! This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits."

Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, "That's nothing. Last night I made love to my wife five times. She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man."

Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, "I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn't fix me anything for breakfast." Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, "Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?" "Just two words...Don't stop."

 

[johnph77]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" he exclaimed.
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his forehead, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had found just the right replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down the steps to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop replied sadly, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless bellringer, the bishop continued the interviews. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to apply for the position to perform the duties he was unable to fulfill."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died of a heart attack on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

[Maggie]

Pick One...

That one deserves an LOL johnph77





A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on the bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her, and is quite impressed by her sensitive side.

He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive woman, they are lying there together in the afterglow, and the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[Maggie]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles.

 

[Maggie]

A Blonde Cowboy...

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?" The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her place with her so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... " And, here I am." See.... Blonde Men do exist.

 

[Maggie]

Methods of Birth Control...



Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns
to birth control.
The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use birth control."
The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven...and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes start to get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

 

[Maggie]

The Dentist....



A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes
his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a
dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
"You must be a really good dentist" she tells him.

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good
dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."

 

[Maggie]

Bad Parenting?

OhOh

 

[Maggie]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in
to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver, says " My answer is, there IS no answer. "
The second, from Toronto, says " My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given. "

The third one from Newfoundland says " I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either " Willie Turner or Willie Nailer. " The Newfoundlander got the job.

 

[Maggie]

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE....


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing!" replies the drunk.

 

[Maggie]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

 

[Maggie]

Union Shop ....


A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"* "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."* Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20." That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

" I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gestured to an 80 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

 

[Maggie]

Someone sent me this, pretty funny and fitting for this time of year. Click on the "Hand in My Pocket Spoof Ad" link to play it.


GotYoursDoneYet

 

[Maggie]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.


The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.