THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T. ).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course,
please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturer are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. ).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE
TRAINING ( E.A.T. S.H.I.T. ). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they
graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested in a job teaching
others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST ( B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. ).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the
department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATIONAL ( M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E S.H.I.T. .
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T. )
Thank you
BOSS IN GENERAL - SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
( B.I.G S.H.I.T. )
*************************************************************************************************************************************
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
*************************************************************************************************************************************
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
*************************************************************************************************************************************
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!!
*************************************************************************************************************************************
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the
boy nodded yes.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain
it to your mother."
*************************************************************************************************************************************
World's Smartest Man
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
*************************************************************************************************************************************
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black"
*************************************************************************************************************************************
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
*************************************************************************************************************************************
A man and his wife were driving to an important convention where the man was scheduled to give the opening remarks. They were passing through a part of Oklahoma when the woman tells her husband that she must stop at the next restroom because she felt her stomach rolling over pretty hard.
The man tells her that he will be late if they stop, so just tighten up and hold it. A few minutes later the man is informed by his wife that unless he stops right now so she can run to the bushes alongside the road, he will have to clean up the mess.
Her husband has always prided himself in solving tricky problems, and tells his wife to pull up her dress, drop her panties, and get up in the seat so she can hang her end out the window. The next curve up there I will speed up, and when I say "Okay, GO NOW," you just let it go.
The couple were in their 60's and the woman was in no mood to argue, so she did as her husband said. As the car flashed into the curve the man says, "OKAY, LET 'ER RIP." And she did.
Not noticed by the couple were two hitchhikers standing about midway through the curve, and to their misfortune, the load hit them both square in the face.
The one hitchhiker turned to the other and said as he was reaching for his towel, "Wheweee, I can't believe what these people chew up here."
And the other hitchhiker said, "Boy, I hear that. And did you see the mouth on that dude?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T. ).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course,
please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturer are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. ).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE
TRAINING ( E.A.T. S.H.I.T. ). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they
graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested in a job teaching
others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST ( B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. ).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the
department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATIONAL ( M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E S.H.I.T. .
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T. )
Thank you
BOSS IN GENERAL - SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
( B.I.G S.H.I.T. )
*************************************************************************************************************************************
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
*************************************************************************************************************************************
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
*************************************************************************************************************************************
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!!
*************************************************************************************************************************************
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the
boy nodded yes.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain
it to your mother."
*************************************************************************************************************************************
World's Smartest Man
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
*************************************************************************************************************************************
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black"
*************************************************************************************************************************************
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
*************************************************************************************************************************************
A man and his wife were driving to an important convention where the man was scheduled to give the opening remarks. They were passing through a part of Oklahoma when the woman tells her husband that she must stop at the next restroom because she felt her stomach rolling over pretty hard.
The man tells her that he will be late if they stop, so just tighten up and hold it. A few minutes later the man is informed by his wife that unless he stops right now so she can run to the bushes alongside the road, he will have to clean up the mess.
Her husband has always prided himself in solving tricky problems, and tells his wife to pull up her dress, drop her panties, and get up in the seat so she can hang her end out the window. The next curve up there I will speed up, and when I say "Okay, GO NOW," you just let it go.
The couple were in their 60's and the woman was in no mood to argue, so she did as her husband said. As the car flashed into the curve the man says, "OKAY, LET 'ER RIP." And she did.
Not noticed by the couple were two hitchhikers standing about midway through the curve, and to their misfortune, the load hit them both square in the face.
The one hitchhiker turned to the other and said as he was reaching for his towel, "Wheweee, I can't believe what these people chew up here."
And the other hitchhiker said, "Boy, I hear that. And did you see the mouth on that dude?"