Jokes Corner

[LottoBug]

**************************************
Daddy, how was I born?
*************************************

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

 

[LottoBug]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines.

I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you so Tray-up, bitch."

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

How many network marketers does it take to change a light bulb?

No one really knows as they just keep recruiting until they find someone who will do it.

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

Are we stressed out this month that we have multiple joke threads?

Here is one from one of the older joke threads here.

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.

The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."

"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.

Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."

found on
http://www.lotto649.ws/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3918&perpage=15&pagenumber=3

 

[peter]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
> >> Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
> >> One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
> >> right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so
> >> how would she know they went home early?
> >> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
> >> gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
> >> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
> >> before meeting a dinner date.
> >> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
> >> when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
> >> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
> >> her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door
> >> and crept out of her house.
> >> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
> >> to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
> >> with them.
> >> "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

 

[peter]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, yellow, orange, green, blue, and violet.

The old man stared.

Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied:"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, just wondering if you were my son!"

 

[mon]

This one is priceless.

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh, my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

 

[Brad]

More Lotto Jokes ...

The Farmer & the Lottery

An interview on TV featured an old farmer who won ten million in the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money. He kinda scratched his head and said,

"Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

 

[Brad]

Broken Engagement

I have been unable to sleep since I halted your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.


P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

 

[Brad]

Gamble often?

A gambling man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"I'm fed up with your gambling so I'm off to To Las Vegas!"
"And how are you going to live?" asks the husband.
"I found out that there are men there that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free! " sneers the wife.

The man stands quietly for a few moments then begins packing his own bags.

"What do you think you’re doing?" screams the wife.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you," replies the husband,

" . . . I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

 

[Brad]

Neigh ....

Tom came home from the casino one night and was met at the door by his wife. Much to his dismay she hit him on the head with a rolling pin!

"Why did you do that?!" he asked.
"I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it!!" she replies

Tom explained "That's the name of a horse I got a hot tip on." She accepts his explanation and apologizes for whacking him.

A few days later, she nails him on the head again, even harder. When he regains consciousness, Tom asks, "Why on earth did you hit me again?!"

"Your horse phoned!!"

 

[Maggie]

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead is easy." replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision...now that takes skill!"

 

[peter]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of
> paint on their habits.
>
> After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
> the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
>
> In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is
it?" calls one of the nuns.
> "Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two
> nuns
look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
>
> "Nice boobs says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

 

[Maggie]

The steps at the Parliament Hill building needed some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the country.

First a contractor from Toronto looks it over. After a session of
measuring and figuring he presents his bid. "I can do it for
$19,000,"he says "I'd need:

$9,000 for materials
$9,000 for my crew
$1,000 profit for me."

Next, a redneck from Calgary does his measuring and calculating
then says, "I'll do it for $17,000

$8,000 for materials
$8,000 for my crew,
$1,000 profit for me."


Last a Liberal-friendly advertising firm from Montreal steps up.
Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for
$57,000.

Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to
explain it.

"It's simple," replies the man

"$20,000 for me,

$20,000 for you... and we hire the guy from Calgary."

.

 

[peter]

good one Maggie.

 

[charles2]

it's so true maggie

can you say Summer election ?

 

[Maggie]

Well, Charles, this (Adscam) could very well be the issue that would force an election.
Here's an excerpt from a news story out today.

Polls suggest drop in support.

An EKOS poll published Monday in the Toronto Star suggests that if an election were held today, only 25 per cent of respondents nationwide would vote for the Liberals. That is compared to 36.2 per cent for the Conservatives.

The poll also suggests that Liberal support has dropped in its stronghold province of Ontario, where the Conservatives now lead with 40 per cent. The Liberals have 33 per cent support.

The EKOS poll was conducted between April 7 -- the day the sponsorship testimony was made public -- and April 10. Results are considered accurate to within 2.9 percentage points, 19 times out of 20.

Those results are similar to those of an Ipsos-Reid poll released Saturday, which also suggests the sponsorship scandal is likely driving down Liberal popularity.

Interestingly enough, our former PM is not talking, prefering to stay deep inside the rabbit hole instead.

 

[charles2]

Maggie what's worse is that Martin just put fork into himself, look what he says :

"Where did those points go? Mainly to the Conservatives. The Stephen Harper-led party was backed by 36.2 per cent, a gain of about 10 points over a similar survey taken in February.
....................................

Prime Minister Paul Martin responded to the poll results Monday saying he shared Canadians’ frustration.

“I was as offended as any other Canadian
"

http://www.pulse24.com/News/Top_Story/20050411-002/page.asp


Looks like Chretien shoulda gave Martin more pointers on how to Lie

 

[Maggie]

I'm sure there are many people anxiously awaiting for Gomery's full report to come out in the fall. (or not)

My apologies for messin up the jokes thread with this, but, all this can be cosidered a joke, n'est pas?

 

[LottoBug]

JOKE OF THE DAY:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"



THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and

productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T. ).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturer are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. ).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING ( E.A.T. S.H.I.T. ).

Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested in a job
teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST ( B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. ).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATIONAL ( M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E S.H.I.T. . If
you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T. S.H.I.T. )

Thank you
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
( B.I.G S.H.I.T. )

now this joke reminds me of the 4 banned members.........