Joke of the day

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Sheba

Member
JOKE OF THE DAY


A businessman was relaxing in the back garden of his home one
Saturday when an itinerant handyman approached him and asked if he needed any work done around the house.
Feeling sorry for the man, the businessman produced a gallon of white paint and a paint brush and tells the handyman to go around to the front of the house and paint the front porch.
An hour later, the handyman returns to the back garden to collect his earnings and the businessman paid him $10.
As the handyman leaves, he says, "By the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes."


Sheba..:lol:
 
S

Sheba

Member
Someone sent me this one this morning! lol

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'!!!"


Sheba..:dog:
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Can ya handle one more?

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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
How about two?

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.

The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."

"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.

Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."
 
S

shirazbai

Member
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out burning forests.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.


P.S. To turn this into a blonde joke, simply add blonde hair to the duck .... or the elephant :)
 
S

shirazbai

Member
A man walks into a bar looking down. The bartender asks, "What's the trouble?" The man responds "The bridge in our town ... I built it, but does anyone say, "Hey there goes Bob the bridge builder", no. The church ... I built it, but does anyone say, "Hey there goes Bob the church builder", no. But you mess with one sheep ..."
 
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Sheba

Member
A young woman with nice hair goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

"What do you think it is, doctor?"

"Your finger is broken," he replies.

Sheba..:dog:
 
P

peter

Member
Excuse me, if I seem abit grumpy today.
I swallowed a viagra pill, which got stuck in my throat.
I've had a stiff neck for days.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!!!"
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
How to be politically correct:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Hey Peter, you rained out yet over there? Been watching the news, you guys are really getting it while here we've gotten the freezing cold and snow. :)
 
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