Joke of the day

[peter]

Man walks into a drug store, and asks the clerk where he can find some tampons.
Clerk says , they are in the second row.
Man comes back with a bag of cotton balls and some string.
The clerk is confused and asks why the man is purchasing these items.
The man says, well last week I sent my wife out to buy some smokes, and she came home with a pouch of tobacco, and some rolling paper.

 

[Brad]

ROFLMAO ... good one Pete

P.S. along the same lines, what do you think of Tampa vs Calgary in the final ... in 6th game, Tampa x-ed out at Flame's pad ?

 

[peter]

A smart blond, and a dumb blond, and Santa Claus are playing poker.
Who wins?

 

[peter]

Answer; the dumb blond, because the other two don't exist.

 

[Sheba]

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

 

[Florie]

Liked that one, Sheba.

An out of towner from East came to Toronto looking for a job. Almost passed the test until the interviewer said, one more last thing and you got the job. If you can use the following three words in a sentence (1) DEFENSE, (2) DEFEAT AND (3)DETAIL. Applicant said that is easy. I can use the 3 words in ONE sentence only.

Okay, let me hear it said the interviewer.

The horse jumped over the fence , the feet first then the tail.

 

[Matrix]

 

[Sheba]

Florie.. Good One.


Sheba..

 

[Sheba]

Cannibals


A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone...


Sheba..

 

[Brad]

... now we need one about an unemployed dumb blonde cannibal shopping for a hygiene product ... that would be the killer joke of the day

Google came up blank

 

[Karnac]

Bill Gates dies, GOD says to him,
"You have your choice of going to Heaven or going to Hell."
Bill Gates first visits Hell, when he arrives, he sees that everyone
is happy. The sun is shining,the hills are covered green with grass,
people are singing and dancing, children are laughing and playing.
"This looks like a nice place to spend eternity", Bill says.
Bill then visits Heaven and finds that the people are very unhappy.
Some of the people there are being tortured, others are hard at work
lifting and moving heavy boulders. There is nothing but fire and
brimstone for as far as the eye can see.
"Screw this",he says,"I'm going back to Hell!" But when he goes back to Hell,
there is fire and brimstone,people are being tortured,while others move and
lift boulders. Just then, Bill sees SATAN and hurries over to him.
"Hey," Bill asks,"what happened? The last time I was here everyone was so
happy." SATAN says, "Oh, that was just our screen saver."

 

[Brad]

... Gotta be a puter nut to laugh at this one ... so I did

 

[colonel4]

Three women were in the hospital waiting to give birth. One lady says I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom when I had sex. The second lady says shw was going to have a girl because she was on top. In the corner, the blond lady began to cry. Why are you crying? the blond was asked. The blond said,
"Because I'm going to have puppies."

 

[colonel4]

Too much Newfie blood in me. One of those babies was a boy. Of course, you figured that out.

 

[Sheba]

Too much Newfie blood in me. One of those babies was a boy. Of course, you figured that out.

Too much Newfie Blood is a good thing.... Or don't you agree?


Sheba..

 

[colonel4]

I do have newfie blood in me from my mother's side. I wanted to get a reaction from you.

 

[peter]

I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

 

[peter]

Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

 

[peter]

Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Brad]

Hey Pete!

... I want what you're drinking!