Joke Of The Day Part 2..

[Sheba]

The Compassionate Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?
We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you"
the lawyer said.
But sir! I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree"
Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have
a wife and SIX children with me!"
Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place;
the grass is almost a foot high!"

Sheba__ ~~~

 

[Sheba]

Three dead bodies turn up at the morgue, all with
very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the Police
Inspector, to show them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure
whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile
Inspector" says the Coroner.

"Second body: " Irishman , 25, won a thousand pounds
on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning.
Hence the smile."

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual
one. Newfie, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?"
inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

Sheba__ ~~~

 

[Sheba]

The Silent Treatment

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." Then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals for a round of golf. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,

"It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

Sheba__ ~~~

 

[Brad]

deserving of three thumbs

 

[LT]

I'll join with you on seconding that Brad.

I particularily like the lawyer one.

 

[Florie]

Good one, Sheba. I like the first and second one, especially about the Newfie.

 

[Dennis Bassboss]

Nice ones Sheba!!! Very funny...

 

[Sheba]

Church Mice


Three pastors met and were talking over conditions at their churches.

The first pastor said, "You know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything----noise, cats, spray, --nothing seems to scare them away."

The second pastor said, "Yeah, my church too. There are hundreds of them living in the church basement. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far."

The third pastor said, "I've had the same problem. So I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one of them since."

Sheba__ ~~~
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[Dennis Bassboss]

Please stop this Sheba I am getting cramps to the stomach reading your funny stuff...

 

[Sheba]

Please stop this Sheba I am getting cramps to the stomach reading your funny stuff...

Glad you are enjoying this..

Sheba__ ~~~
Everybody's Got a Dream...JACKPOT!
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[Dennis Bassboss]

I do!!!

 

[Sheba]

Two men were talking at the bar one night and one said to the other
"you know my wife is a real angel"
the other replys "your some lucky I still got to live with mine".


Sheba__ ~~~
Everybody's Got a Dream...JACKPOT!
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[Brad]

yet another 'Angel' wife ...

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The man says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."

The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone
"What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

 

[Sheba]

A meek, little man was sitting at a bar when this huge, burly guy walks in. As he passes the little man, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly guys says, That's a karate chop from Korea.

Well, the little man gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly guy then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the little man, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan, he says.

The little guy decides he's had enough and leaves. An hour later he comes back and sees the burly guy sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The little guy says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Canadian Tire."

Sheba__ ~~~
Everybody's Got a Dream...JACKPOT!
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[Maggie]

Someone sent me this one the other day, thought it was cute..


Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

 

[Sheba]

Good One maggie..

Sheba__ ~~~
Everybody's Got a Dream...JACKPOT!
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[Sheba]

Spelling Counts

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to
help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from

copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this.

Pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves beneath the monastery, where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault, that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "we
forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" . His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

"Sob" "The word is celebrate."

Sheba__ ~~~
Everybody's Got a Dream...JACKPOT!
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