Joke of the Day III

S

Sheba

Member
Cute.. Satirical... Enjoy!



In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's and Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" and man said: "Yes!" and woman said: "I'll have one, too... with sprinkles." and lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane, and combined them and woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side and man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and T-bone steak so big, it needed its own platter and man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt and man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels - and man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good."

And man and woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.


Sheba..:dog:
 
S

Sheba

Member
Think you had a "BAD DAY"

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink, for
half an hour, when this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to
him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!"



Sheba..:dog:
 
S

Sheba

Member
THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR !!!!!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in
8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove the! m to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
 
S

Sheba

Member
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how

he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied,

"No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well then, send the bill to my

brother-in-law."

Sheba..:dog:
 
K

Karnac

Member
New Twists on Famous Phrases
The following are some of the winners in a New York magazine contest, in which the rules were: take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language, change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, and then provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail

IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

COGITO, EGGO SUM - I think, therefore I waffle

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead. No kidding

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never know

MAZEL TON - Tons of good luck

APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Curly and Larry got wet

PORT-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine

ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough

FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it

CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip

MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'

AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Little long, but humorous (if you're a female)

Women's Words

Word: Fine

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Word: Five minutes

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Word: Nothing

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Word: Go ahead (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Word: Go ahead (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Word: Loud sigh

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".


Word: That's okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


Word: Thanks

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Word: Thanks a lot

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Try This..

THIS TESTS YOUR ABILITY TO CONTROL YOUR OWN BODY!


While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
 
P

peter

Member
Maggie said:
I should hope you could control that , Peter. :D
Click to expand...
I can, but it's testing my ability.:D Its not going that is the problem, but rather the aim, maybe I need to turn the light on.:D
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Gonna be a loooong week..

Self Control
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
 
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