January Jokes

[Sheba]

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



His wife replied, "The funeral director."

Sheba..

 

[peter]

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular
one? (You have to hollow out the head.)

Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring
Training.)

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)



Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse! .)

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese)

Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)



Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)



A BETTER BLONDE JOKE

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the
assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the
flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders,
dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess. An
engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from
end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks
away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he
gives us the length!"

 

[Maggie]

GRANNY GOES CRUISING

Dear Diary:

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening as the Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He is so charming.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made several proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives... twice

 

[Maggie]

ODE TO MY COMPUTER

I asked the Lord to tell me why my house is such a mess?
He asked if I'd been 'puting, and I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my butt and tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up the smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside and that really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work I really didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and LOL I found A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into it I was into it all night

Nothing's changed except my mouse, it's very, very shiny
I guess my house will stay a mess while I sit here on my hiney.

 

[Maggie]

DINING OUT

A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.

"A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[Maggie]

Hey, it's snowing here too...

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted -- the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

 

[mirage]

Don't Ya Love The Snow (or rain, if yer livin' on the other side of the country...)

> > > You know you're living in 2005 when...

> > >
> > > 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

> > >
> > > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

> > >
> > > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

> > >
> > > 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

> > >
> > > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

> > >
> > > 6. You go home after a long day at work, and still answer the
> phone in a business manner.

> > >
> > > 7. You make phone calls from home, and you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

> > >
> > > 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years, and worked for
> three different companies.

> > >
> > > 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

> > >
> > > 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

> > >
> > > 12. You pull up in your own driveway, and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

> > >
> > > 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

> > >
> > > 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

> > >
> > > 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

> > >
> > > 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

> > >
> > > 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

> > >
> > > 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

> > >
> > > 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

> > >
> > > 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

> > >
> > > AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself!

 

[Maggie]

Jay Leno went into his audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City. The outing was fun but relativeley uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Unfortunately, because of the slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly planted to the car’s fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks
from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Jay Leno's comment . "This gives a whole new meaning to being pi$$ed off.

 

[Maggie]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

GERT: Holy smoke, What's that?
MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

GERT: Where did you get it?
MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Gert hobbles into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she needs a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, almost 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Gert answers, "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Maggie]

TECH SUPPORT

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

 

[Sheba]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patient and you won't be the last.

And you're single.

Just let it go..." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, Whispering, "...


...Dave...











...you're a vet"!


Sheba..

 

[peter]

 

[Brad]

Sheba, that was so baa aa aa aa aad it was funny

 

[Maggie]

WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT WOMAN
SYMBOL Wo2
ATOMIC MASS
ACCEPTED AS 125 LBS. BUT KNOWN TO VARY FROM 100 TO 500 LBS.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol

TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one