February Jokes/ Maggie's Corner

JoJo

JoJo

Member
Would You Marry Again, Scummy?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."
 
JoJo

JoJo

Member
Dating Young

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
 
L

LottoMagicZ4941

Member
Why did Superman join a lotto club?

Louis Laine(sp?) told him to join.

How come the dyslexic would join a busisness opp.

He thought it was poo
 
M

mirage

Member
Two Women at the Pearly Gates!

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died:
1st woman: I froze to death

2nd woman: How horrible.

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and
searched, and down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ----- we'd both
still be alive!
 
Brad

Brad

Member
:D ... I heard the male version of that joke a long time ago but yours is funnier!
Anyway, here's my contribution for today ... posted it a few yrs back but it maybe worth another chuckle for the newer members:


What did the blonde say when she won $10 on a QuickPick?

"Next time I'll slow down and win the JackPot !! "
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Til Death Do Us Part....



Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
M

mirage

Member
Maybe this one's been heard before too... this one's for Boomers and counting...

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You! MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Twins...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
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