August Jokes

[Maggie]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says,
"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going
to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

[Maggie]

STICK IT

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

 

[LottoMagicZ4941]

Found a groaner but it is short. And a hum I'll let you decide. Though long I found it quite halatious.

What do you call a
clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?

A small medium at large.........

found on
http://www.gossipswap.com/showthread.php?p=7770#post7770

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.


Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

 

[kosteczki]

Subject: Politically Correct - Moral Leadership:

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Decide who you would choose:

Candidate A

associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B

was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C

is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs

Which of these candidates is your choice (scroll down)















Subject: Politically Correct - Moral Leadership: Answer

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler



I was glad I picked B on my first read of this.

 

[Maggie]

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[kosteczki]

Every single one of the jokes you have posted for august and July have made me literally LOL. Keep em coming Maggie.

 

[Maggie]

Is PMS In The Bible?

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

 

[Maggie]

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids.

They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if theproblem was with her.

The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you.

You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying.

Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

 

[johnph77]

On the other hand, some women are unbearable, impregnable or insurmountable.....

 

[Maggie]

In praise of older women....

A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.


Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.

 

[Maggie]

Devil Shopping.............


The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

 

[Maggie]

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland Commemorative quarters you may have.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Winnipeg Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each Province.

"We are recalling all the new quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Minister Reg Alcock said Thursday. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was created by a Memorial University of Newfoundland graduate," Alcock said.
Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.

 

[JoJo]

MAGGIE,


" The Mistress" is still the undisputed funniest one so far.There all funny but that's the best.

 

[Brad]

Hell's Angels Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a
seat at the counter.

Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

 

[Brad]

A little old lady

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas".
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated, she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then sold the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there".
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap!!".

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?

 

[Maggie]

Only in Ohio...

A Ohio State Trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles east of the Ohio/Indiana State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the driver was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken yuppie from Indiana got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the back door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

 

[mirage]

Very, Very, Very Funny - everyone!!!!! Especially Maggie's jokes. Thanks for my laughs today!




THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.


So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said

that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.


He said,

"This pretty lady will gather food for you,

she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing,

she will wash it for you.




She will always agree with

every decision

you make

and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first

to admit she was wrong

when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!



She will bear your children.



and never

ask you to get up

in the middle of the night to take care of them.



"She will

NEVER

have a headache

and will freely give you love and passion

whenever you need it."



Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."




Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history..................

 

[Brad]

Does perfection exist?

The perfect couple

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?
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... The PERFECT WOMAN. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.....

(Women: End scrolling here. Men: keep scrolling down.)
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... So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident!!
THE REAL END

(By the way, if you are a woman and you're reading this...this brings up another point.....women never listen either..... .... )

 

[mirage]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:


"God bless Mommy,

God bless Daddy,

God bless Grandma

and good-bye Grandpa."



The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"


The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it

just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:


"God bless Mommy,

God Bless Daddy

and good-bye Grandma."


The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


"God bless Mommy and

good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.


He felt safer in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"


He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the postman dropped dead on our porch."

 

[johnph77]

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"