April Jokes..

Maggie

Maggie

Member
Attention!!!

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Joe complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."

That night Joe crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then his wife Margaret walked in wearing a transparent teddy.

Joe opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
 
johnph77

johnph77

Member
My Career

My first job was working in an orange juice factory. I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack. I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor. I wasn't suited for it.It was a so-so job, and after a while I decided I was a bad fit.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting, and by the end of the day I was bent out of shape. Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. Next was a job in a shoe factory, and I tried but didn't last; I just didn't fit in.

My best job was being a musician, but my quarterly review said I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but had to give it up because I didn't have any patience. I hooked a job as a professional fisherman, and discovered that my net income wasn't enough for me to live on--not to mention supporting the small fry at home. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I tried to work in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I could have been...
A Violinist, but found myself fiddling around too much, because I'm so high-strung.
A Bowler, but couldn't get behind the ball--it wasn't up my alley,
A Magician, but the urge vanished,
A Librarian, but I shelved the idea,
A Plumber, but it was only a pipe-dream.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB.
 
johnph77

johnph77

Member
The Hillbilly Three-Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting back in the hills. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes back here in the hills. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hillbilly Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Hillbilly Three Kick Rule!?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Shipwrecked....


A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
 
Maggie

Maggie

Member
Burglars....


A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you shot them!"

He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"
 
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